Raw

This has been kept in my Notes app ever since I decided to write down whatever I feel inside while I'm in this "transition"–in hopes of properly processing my emotions. See that there are dates indicated because I intended to keep everything in one note for some reason.

I originally entitled this note "boop". Just to be clear, everything that you are about to read is raw and unfiltered; I didn't change anything before posting this. All of it is 100% true as dated.

So here goes my vulnerability...

boop 

[Some time in May] 

I don’t know but sometimes I feel empty. Literally. You know when you want to make time for yourself just thinking about anything but nothing comes to your mind? And then eventually sadness kicks in. I don’t know where this sadness comes from: is it an overflow of what’s inside my heart? Is it because I feel like I’m just showing a facade to people? Or is it because of the never-ending longing of God’s comfort that I don’t get because I also don’t read His word as often as before? 

Yeah, probably the latter. 

Well actually, both. 

Speaking of facade, I think (subconsciously) I have this mask worn every time I get to face people. I get that I have to treat people the way I should but this season feels like doing so would be too much for me–at least for now. 

I miss the feeling of being free from brokenness, of deep and sad emotions. I miss having myself enjoy the sea breeze touching my skin. I miss being myself. 

Lately, it’s been hard trying to build myself back again. I want to go back to how I was before: doing most of the things alone and being okay with it. But then I realized it’s hard man diay. 

It had been 2 years having someone who was a company to me. A company in doing many things together: one who would lend his hand when my hands are full. Someone who would share funny things and laugh about them together. Things that any couple would do. Now I’m back to being single. I knew that not having someone for a romantic relationship is not new to me already, I’ve been single 92.6% of my time living here on earth. But being at it again and now carrying with me the memories that I had for the past 2 years, suddenly gone, it feels as if there’s a part of me that’s lost and unable to be found. What do you do if you couldn’t find something that’s lost? Of course you move on. That’s what I’m trying to do for almost a month now. 

But how is it possible to feel this way? It’s odd. Lately it feels lonely strolling in the mall alone. As far as I can remember, back then I didn’t mind going back and forth in the stores looking for some nice clothes for myself. But right now, it feels like my feet get sore easily every time. When I’m done thinking (when needed lol), I space out. Every single time. I stare at blank spaces thinking about nothing. Sometimes I know I feel sad but most of the time I don’t know the reason why that I always end up asking myself and never getting an answer… obviously. 

[June 15] 

Today, I listened to Joyce Pring’s podcast called Adulting With Joyce Pring. I’ve been listening to her podcasts for some time now. But the one I listened to specifically is entitled “In Relationship: When To Hold On or Let Go?” and I’d like to share the lines related to how I decided to let go. 

“Believe people when they tell you and show you who they are. Don’t treat them for the potential that they can be.” 

“Relationship is about walking with each other to get to a certain destination, regardless of the speed of the situation. But one can’t drag the other person along, or deliberately try and yank this person to keep up with your growth and expect that person to look back and say, ‘We did it together.’ It’s ‘you do your part, I do my part, we make this relationship move together. I’m not dragging you along, you’re not dragging me along, we can go at a snail’s pace as long as we’re moving together.’” 

“When you’re dragging that person it means that person doesn’t want to move with you.” 

“Instead of looking who’s at fault, look at what’s the solution. If you’re fighting to win instead of fighting to fix, that’s when it’s time to get out.” 

“It doesn’t mater who’s right, what matters is what’s right for the relationship. Fight for what’s good in the relationship.” 

[Early July] 

I realized I’m really still hurting from the breakup. Last week, I learned that x is seeing someone else already. It hurts because I felt like he didn’t respect me enough for doing so. That thing when someone feels betrayed after knowing that their ex has already found someone else— I realized it’s not because of jealousy, but it’s somehow because it’s a disrespect for the person you once loved, and if they really loved you, at least they would know how you feel if y  (unfinished)

[July 21] 

It’s this time of the year when people flood posts about graduation and stuff—makes me remember how, back then, I was very excited for A to finally graduate from college. He was my first so I never experienced supporting a lover on his graduation day, so I thought it would’ve been it until it wasn’t. 

You know what bothers me lately? It’s the thought of wanting to congratulate him for his milestone, for his hard-work that lead him to where he is right now. But then I’m holding back because I know hitting up a conversation like that would make me feel uncomfortable again, maybe because I’m still not over him yet. This is what I’m really sad about: that I tried to be supportive in everything that he did for his academics, in anything that concerned his personal growth. I tried not to make my circumstances a hindrance to his “progresses,” I wanted to help bring out the best in him, I never asked for something in return because, I mean, why would I? I tried giving him enough time for him to focus on the things that he needed to prioritize, I tried holding back my selfish abilities as his gf, I thought it was a good idea. 

Earlier as I was waiting for a friend in a café, I saw his classmate in the same place; I’m not sure if she still recognizes me. She’s the owner of the nearby cafe in our place, where A and I have visited a few times before, I also met her so I thought she’d still recognize me but idk maybe it’s my pixie haircut. So this encounter made me remember A again. 

[August 2] 

Ever since the breakup, the insecurities that I’ve already quite overcome came creeping back in. I heard this is true to some who go through breakups, well, it is for me then. I don’t like looking closely to my face in the mirror because I see too many imperfections; sometimes I even think of who x’s present girl might be and if she looks prettier than I do, if she’s better than me and all those crazy, insecure things I could think of. I don’t like this part of me that’s developing during the process–this isn’t the change that I wanted for myself. 

Also, just so you know, lately I don’t check on those who watched my ig stories and my day. This morning, I posted something I found funny, a conversation with a random person at work. I checked who watched my my day and saw x’s name, I didn’t skip a beat, no anything, just “oh”. This is like the first time that I didn’t feel any jitters or something towards anything concerning x. I think this is progress, and hopefully this progress continues. 

I just remembered something that I realized during the breakup, it’s when I always told x not to spoil me, not to make me his world, not to be too reliant on our relationship, but in the end everything went upside down. (unfinished)

[August 11] 

Today I remembered x while I was opening the Origin app. Upon doing so, I saw on my friends list 3 people, and he was still part of it, so I removed him immediately. After doing so, I felt the urge to cry. 

I learned that app exists because it was him who introduced me to it. Memories came flashing back of when he was so patiently teaching me how to use third party apps for gaming. I’m not techie, he is, so he had to do technical stuff for me. That was one of the things that I loved about him, his being patient towards me. He didn’t mind helping me out, he would take over my computer using the TeamViewer - it’s his way of helping me from a distance - so he could run through its system and check if there’s something wrong or anything for things to be less complicated to me. 

But I want to go back to playing Sims 4 so let me just go back and continue what I was doing. 

xx end of my note xx 

ps. I still got other handwritten notes (on different journal/notebook) that are too long but I'm too lazy to encode them.