I Don't Know

Throughout the moment together, I realized I'm still not over him. It was like the room became so small that he was the only view I've got. How could there be such a feeling? I thought refraining from hanging around with him (which we used to do, with me not having this feeling towards him yet) would help me get over it. But I guess everything that I thought has already left me went back to its original job--to make me feel the strangest thing I've ever felt... again. I felt like so kilig most of the time. I really hope he didn't notice.

You know what's hard? That, for the first time, I saw him drink. I don't like to see my friends drink or get drunk. How much more with him? The feeling suck. You know what's even harder? He asked for my permission to smoke. I told him not to. He insisted, he stood his way but I pulled his hand trying to convince him not to. He went back to his seat next to me. But do you know what's the hardest part? He really did insist to smoke and explained his part and became so annoying for being so persistent, so I told him it's up to him, that it's his choice. It hurt me because he didn't understand that it would hurt me if he's gonna do it. I even told him it was my first time to see him drink, pati ba naman pag-smoke? I asked him not to smoke kay naa lagi ko, but he insisted and insisted and insisted. So I let him. I got hurt that I felt my tears wanting to come out from my tear duct, so I decided to distract myself from turning my attention to something else.

Well, my whole point is this: I'm still into someone and I'm having a hard time dealing with this feeling. I get hurt not because he intends to hurt me but because... I don't know. I just don't know. x

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